Dear Mom

9/25/07 - after spending day in Vegas with my folks for their 49th anniversary - an amazing day. . .


She’s counting the days
It’s apparent in her eyes
Makes me uneasy to know and realize
Memories are what we leave behind

She’s counting the hours
Till I have to say good-bye
Wish that we could wander
To a shore unrecognized

the welcome in her words
causes me to pause and for a moment
I can linger to a place where I’m younger . . .

She loves me no matter what I do
She believes in my journey wandering through
No matter the path I may choose
She loves me

she’s pausing through pictures
remembering the days
when we were younger
wearing a stubbornness & haze

she’s dreaming of daytimes
the silence carries weight
of a history so rich
and the future left in haste

choices we were made to live
though sometimes looking back
there was regret and love defiled

She loves me no matter what I do
She believes in my journey wandering through
No matter the path I may choose
She loves me

I will honor who she is and is in me
By giving this unending love to the ones given to be
all the heavens will align and set us all free
with arms spread wide, my mother says she’s so proud of me

Trust - Nov. 2004

Trust



I can’t tell you what tomorrow may bring

Could be sadness or tears of joy

Though what lies ahead is hidden

You see everything before its known



I will trust you for always

This day is in your hands

I will trust you for your ways

Are higher and pure

Your ways are wiser, good and true

I will trust you



Time will tell of your goodness here

All this pain will fade

Though these tears fill up my eyes

You know all my pain



I put my trust in you

Though there’s darkness everywhere

I put my hope in you alone

You give me freedom

I look to you, my only strength

Your goodness brings me life



How could I desire anything

But what you have for me

Since I trust in you – you can only give the best

How could I try to walk away

When all I want is you alone

It’s your love that covers me



2004 Harpopotamus Music, BMI



(November at Twin Peaks retreat center – facing major changes)

Story To Own



Never would I have thought
These bones would find this place
Surrounded by four walls
With a story to erase

Candlelit shadows flicker on the forlorn scope
Yet I’m awake past the hour of what’s reasonable
This is not my home

On and on the deception played out
In the spur of the moment
In the destruction of coercion
I reached for a hand
Yet it was not my home

How did I get here exactly?
It’s all such a blur
How did I take the hand
Of the devil and concur?

How did I land where the soil is so dry?
How did I harbor in fear fused with a lie,
This is not my home

On and on the deception played out
In the spur of the moment
In the destruction of coercion
I reached for a hand
Yet it was not my home

Waiting for transcending hope
My eyes look to the sky
Knowing your forgiveness
No need to understand why
This story. . . I had known

Beyond all the passion once stowed
There’s a solace of strength
In the bosom of the bounty
In Christ, my abode
Redeeming Love, I am home
Redeeming Love, I am home

Island to Shore

Costa Azul, Mexico - June 2006

Though eyes are open
They don't seem to see
Darkness seems to cover
The essence of the need
It's there he can hide
In the surreal - the solitary
What sustains on this island
What swirls in this heart

Though hands are loving
They don't seem to move toward another
Though hearts are willing
They don't seem to feel

How you seem to enjoy your island
The place of solitude where you linger
What is it that thrills you there
Or is it you feel free from care
How you gleam within your moment

I stand alone on my island
Wondering if you see my smile
Wishing to be near you for awhile
Yet near you is never enough
As near you is all you allow
I wish to be within you to know your soul
The place you bring no one
This is the place I long to be one with you
Will my thirst ever be quenched
Will my hunger ever be satiated
Or will I remain here hoping you crave this love
from my island to yours


Some days you swim to my shore and harbor for awhile
Times of bliss
Moments I crave
When your eyes are no longer solo
Yet melding with mine

At times I feel you see the heart within
Yet I turn away
The tug of war is
I want to stay forever with your eyes
Melting into mine
Your soul in union with mine
Come to my harbor and swim for awhile
Let it linger

Your Heart For A Stone

You traded your heart for a stone

Guess it was easier to choose

The path of least resistance

You traded your kindness for alone

Perhaps the frown was safer than the smile

I admit I stopped looking for you

I tried enough to say I tried

Then I lost my courage and ran to hide

Oh, could it have been different

Or is this where we’re to be where we were meant to be

You traded your heart for a stone

Has that been easier to harden alone

You jaded what was fragile

You placated what was stabile

Until there was nothing left to muster

Nothing left to squander or save

I throw my hands up and surrender

Wave my white flag alone

You traded your broken heart for a stone

You traded your wounded heart for a stone

You liked it better that way

If only I could’ve loved you to healing

If only I could’ve looked past myself enough to see

You were loving me, you were loving me

Instead I traded your heart for a stone

Don't Belong Here

I don’t belong here

Just doesn’t seem right

I don’t belong here

Just feel out of place

I can’t seem to see clearly

There are too many obstacles blocking the view

From me to you

Gonna take the train outa here

Gonna leave so fast you’ll wonder where

And what became of us

I don’t know

Guess I tried too hard to make this my home

My home is one I’ll never know

Welcome To My Blog

For as long as I can remember, I have loved words and the meanings they convey. Perhaps I have put too much weight in what's spoken and not enough in action? I don't know. Even so, I treasure what's written; could it be that when something is written it represents follow through somehow? Perhaps it's some kind of covenant? I guess this blog is my search for what I can count on in this everchanging world. What will hold true tomorrow regardless of today? It seems that talk is cheap, even so, and I guess actions really do speak louder than words. With that being said, may these words tread carefully. May the actions that convey my heart's desires speak volumes more than these words ever could.

Now

NOW

I love you even now

Been so long here, how

Can space and crime allow

A remedy to our souls

I love you even now

Through the miles and motions

Will heart and mind align

Though remnants here decline

In between the facets

Of our yesterdays

Where smiles would linger

In the crux of the moment

When soul may smolder

I love you even now

Though you’re gone

With no chance to recover

My heart bleeds for the hope

Beyond my reach

I love you even now

It’s over

June 7^th, 2005 – 40^th birthday

Perhaps

PERHAPS

Perhaps there is a way

An avenue untrodded

A path that one must choose

Perhaps there’s a peace

A plain left unplotted

New heights where two may fuse

1997

NOBODY’S SWEETHEART

NOBODY’S SWEETHEART

Nobody’s sweetheart

But does it really matter

It’s a big world out there

The sky’s the limit

Can’t get a grip on

The turning of my soul

Feels like an open book that no one can read

Such a familiar ache of years in the making

Still end up in the same place

With different names

Endless as the sun escaping on the surface of the sea

This ache seems to linger on and on

Run to the harbor

Bank on the shore

Of this effervescent heart

Scarce is the wind on my face

Faint is the memory of your smile

Distant is the current, which curtails the reason

Nobody’s sweetheart

Words ringing in my head

Reminiscent of the mistakes I’ve made

Remnants of the words unsaid

In a swirl of sentiment

Searching for an answer

Left in the hollow questioning

Seeing You through the cancer

Of this forlorn heart, broken beyond repair

Still singing of your goodness

You’re the One incomprehensibly there

* * *

Florida - (2005 February – after watching The Notebook)

GUARD ON MY HEART

GUARD ON MY HEART

Let there be a guard upon my heart

For there’s a tenderness in me

I know it’s from You

Yet in myself I cannot shield from the world

The only source of strength – I’ve found is in You

You’re the one who loves me

Beyond all measure

The stars in the sky sing of your love for me

I wait for you here

All the beauty in this world displays your creativity

How You think of me – I do not understand

Your ways, oh Lord, are higher

Your love, oh Lord, vast beyond the sea

Your thoughts toward me – precious Lord,

You think of me

Your tenderness, Oh Lord, is what I seek

Let my eyes focus on you

The Maker of my soul

These longings stem from you

Yet here I know not what to do

So many questions linger in the haze of my mind

I cannot figure which way to go

Lord, I rest here in your comfort, so kind

Be the contentment of my soul

* * *

Florida - Nov. 2004

ALL YOU ARE

ALL YOU ARE

Didn’t mean to look at you

Didn’t mean to see with eyes anew

Didn’t mean to feel this way

Wasn’t looking and I couldn’t stay

Didn’t mean to notice you

Didn’t mean to find in you a jewel

And now I cannot breathe without you

I cannot see a thing without you there

I can’t see where you’re going

I don’t know where you are

But here I cast all my wishing stars

Didn’t mean to feel this way

Didn’t mean to wake up here and love you

Now I try to find a way

To make the best of each day

Didn’t mean to find you here

Didn’t mean to see your hand everywhere

All the beauty in this world

Is possessed in all you are and I want you

I can’t see where you’re going

I don’t know where you are

But here I cast all my wishing stars

IF YOU SHOULD GO AWAY

IF YOU SHOULD GO AWAY

If you should go away

Then my heart wouldn’t weep

For I’d know then we were made of clay

If I should wake and find you gone

Then my eyes wouldn’t cry

For I’d know this was a lie

Oh no, say it can’t be

That’s all just the guard on my heart

For I love you so, yet how can that be

How can I love you; I must be a fool

Should I show my face or bluff

Hide ‘til I know you love me too

I don’t know any other face

Than the one you see

This deck is dealt in its entirety

Either you love who I am

Or you perceive less than me

I cannot pretend to be more than whom you see

My face is unmasked

My body lies naked before you

I breathe you in yet never exhale

I taste your scent only to curtail

This longing within

Upon knowing your touch

Oh perhaps one day I’ll be sure

Of your yearning for this moment

Perhaps one day I’ll believe

You truly love me

11/20/05

GLIMMER OF HOPE

GLIMMER OF HOPE

~ A Day In The Prison Life ~

We are the same

You and me

The look in your eyes

Is one of pain

Seeking for a glimmer of hope

The limp in your stride

Is one of struggle

Yet the tears shed

Release and relieve

Grant a momentary levity

As I look into your eyes

I see all of us

We are the same

Sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers

All looking for the light of day

The glimmer of hope to restore our way

I wonder what has brought you here

What roads, which forks

Where you went left instead of right

Which pain did you choose to befriend

The one that betrays in the end

As it trips us up and holds us down

To choose a better way

To walk a narrower path

To dream a bolder view

To live instead of waste away

We are the same

You and me

Dec. 3, 2005 – Dallas, TX

AT YOUR BIDDING

AT YOUR BIDDING

What is it you receive from me, I’ll never quite know

Though I’m glad for the exchange just the same

Where have I been all your life; you ask how

I reply – making mistakes that would lead me to you

Though I can’t say I’m grateful for the pain in the path

Neither am I sad for the countless ways

I have missed the mark

Yet I would live it all over again if it meant

‘Twas the only way to be here with you now

For never have I known such compassion and grace

As it’s now reflected in you from my dear savior’s face

You must’ve known his mercy – to have walked in my shoes

Since now you speak to me, Love, where I’ve known disgrace

To tell you I love you is less than what’s real

I have longed for and sought for this moment to steal

On this earth you encompass the One I adore –

My Shepherd who has sought me and wooed me before

As you love my Lord with your very core, it’s true

My love is yours with passion yet to be unleashed

Your heart I adore, yet with longing I await

At your bidding, “dear come, let’s rest. . . stay”

DESCENDING ANGEL

DESCENDING ANGEL

How long have you been here with me

Is it just now I’m beginning to see

For what purpose were you sent quickly

The embrace of an angel is a mirror of mercy

You send a flood to cover

In this lonely sea of insanity

I’m not alone as I perceived

You reach to me with ease

I’m not alone as I feared

You render me such kindness

4/16/2000